No flowers and a bit of rant

I haven’t written here for a long time~

The trial this week shook strong~

Not new to me.

Another familiar face of the man defending his weakness and unearned strength~

Triggering back to the mornings of the “Oh please forgive me”~

After too many long nights~

The night of seeing my Mother clench her robe torn in the exact pattern that was bleeding on her chest~

Her only protection was a pair of sewing scissors inside of her robe pocket~

I so wanted to help us both~

I wanted to tell her so desperately~

As we spent the dark night seeking safety there was no place to go~

Sneaking to the trailer in the back yard from down the road was the only refuge~

She sat all night crying with those scissors in her hand~

Reminding me that he could pour gas around us and make us both disappear~

Or grab one of the too many guns~

It still wasn’t worth the cost of telling her my truth~

Just in case he didn’t that night~

His words stuck in my mind~

“Remember. If you ever tell….

I will have to shoot you in front of your Mother and then shoot her before I shoot myself.”

So the sleepless nights and the bleeding Mother seemed better~

We would live again start a new day of his master manipulations~

He would bring Mom a dozen long stem red roses and “It will never happen again.”

Snot and flowers won for far too long.

 

The crazy part is that he was a victim of sexual abuse~

How in the holy hell do you have someone assault you and think it is a good idea to turn around and assault others???

Children?  Little tiny children.

No child should ever hear…

“I fell in love with you when I met you and I knew you would grow up someday.”

I was fucking two years old and he didn’t buy me any fucking flowers!!!

The only goal was to steal mine and many others.

 

 

 

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Disrobing~

Sometimes is feels so cold~

Standing naked with an open soul~

Allowing the winds to blast my bare flesh~

I have not come here to judge but to assist~

To shine light in dark places~

At times the long open hallways cause that light to flicker~

The elements pressing with firmness~

Ripping open tender delicate flesh not yet exposed~

The robe protects from the cooling of darkness~

The robe protects from the heat of direct light~

Unfastening the robe feels uneasy~

Dropping it to the ground feels best~

Attempting to put it back on feels cumbersome~

Standing naked in the wet brisk wind~

Knowing~

The only valuable fire comes from within~

 

Please pay attention~

Please pay attention before it’s too late~

Please pay attention delaying Your wait~

Please pay attention really quick~

Please pay attention our planet is sick~

Actually she is strong and bright~

So far able to endure the fight~

Enduring our every move~

Floating along enduring our groove~

As I age I understand~

Something urgent is here at hand~

I watch as oil flows in streets~

I watch her fighting against our beats~

Telling us what we already know~

Weakening our Mother with every blow~

Nourishing her with poison produced food~

Filling  her with chemicals to adjust her mood~

Make it better than nature could~

Oh this should be really “good”~

She is heaving heavy with our weight~

Please pay attention before it’s too late~

I watched my own Mother endure a similar path~

Always able to adjust to the wrath~

She would tell me very clear~

I am getting very tired dear~

I would smile and nod my head~

Not absorbing what had  been said~

Pausing occasionally to wonder a bit~

Oh she will get over it~

Suddenly one day I knew~

The sky got bright and away she flew~

I am sensing deep inside~

It’s urgent  to protect our great Mother on which we ride~

Reason to believe~

Crazy this mind that dances in my head~

Feeling so full of what should be said~

Knowing the silence is where it is found~

Finding a balance to spread that around~

I watch as they struggle with the “fight”~

Wishing they knew about the light~

I watch the questions and blocks built high~

As people believe in the “man in the sky”~

I observe the irrational dance~

Wandering blindly in a narrow trance~

There is no man up in the sky~

Nope it’s just a great big lie~

There is no great staircase up to perfection ~

It’s up to You to guide Your direction~

Fairy tales yes they come true~

But only if You allow them to~

You create Your own vibration~

You create every sensation~

Believe what You must believe is true~

Believe that You are in charge of You~

Creating vibration is what it’s about~

What You allow in is what You give out~

Good Orderly Direction will take You there~

Not a fairy tale of some guy up there~

I use to lay in bed at night~

Shaking with fear and fright~

I would pray to that “man up there”~

Oh come quickly before again his flesh gets bare~

No bolts of lighting from the sky~

No dashing presence from up on high~

I prayed and prayed and was told~

That up there I would someday find streets of gold~

I prayed and prayed with every cell that something would make this sick man well~

I prayed and prayed up so high laying in the dark in my silent cry~

I gave myself to holy waters and hands~

I gave it all praying to remove those hands~

From my body that was so small~

I prayed and prayed to protect it all~

No one came to stop the pain~

No one came to prove his shame~

Nothing happened as I was told~

A great big story many copies sold~

My faith got stronger yes it did~

Clearly I was just a rotten kid~

I struggled and struggled to do right~

From it all I learned to fight~

A bully of the worst kind I learned to be~

It started just before I was three~

They always new there was something not right~

Never figuring out why I was filled with such fight~

For across my temples steel did lay~

It was at that point I questioned “pray”~

I prayed and prayed oh yes I did~

I was still a rotten kid~

I prayed and prayed and asked the “Lord above”~

Where is this magic I was told of~

I didn’t see anyone reaching down~

To steady ahead uneven ground~

Through the trenches I prayed and prayed~

My belief fading fast into dark shade~

For I had prayed to the “man above” to reach down and protect me with love~

No swooping savior did I find~

So slowly I just buried my mind~

For it was in the tale they laid~

I found such darkness deep in shade~

So don’t tell me about the promised land~

Don’t tell me I am protected by some imaginary hand~

Don’t tell me that if I do something wrong~

That it can pass just like a song~

No it won’t and no it can’t~

No there is no magic man~

I am responsible for the earth on which I stand~

I contain more strength than that strong hand~

I really won’t know till I find out~

None of us will till we check out~

Until that time I will continue to dance~

Relying  only on strong vibration~

Not some trance of man made imagination~

I did not come here to follow another’s path~

Or live in fear of some great wrath~

We come here to sparkle unique light~

To create our own delight~

It is not in one sacred place~

It bask with brightness every place~

Some Wednesday rambles~

So many things run through my mind~

Interesting they dance creating a shine~

Thinking I should share~

Then just sit quietly with a long stare~

Knowing it’s best when I don’t know~

Yet along that path I meet Ego~

I truly know it isn’t about me~

Just clearing a path for others to see~

I have walked a bumpy path~

Watching those before me endure the wrath~

Seeing new sprouts along the way~

Reminding me to take time to play~

In my roots I found great strength~

Yet it’s in my shoots that I find length~

The dirt it nourishes steady and strong~

Yet in the depths it sometimes gets so dark~

I truly desire a brighter spark~

Spinning about and observing all~

Watching so many endure the crawl~

Seeking the reason that I have came~

Learning to let go of shame and blame~

Seeking the light and allowing the dance~

Opening wide and taking a chance~

I watch the babies dance about~

Teaching so much without any shout~

It doesn’t matter what others think~

Life passes with a quick blink~

There’s only one thing I really know~

It’s only in love that one should grow~

Village lights~

Living in a village the threads sometimes feel tight~

Squeezing one briskly~

Strength found in fright~

Those who we pass daily not taking the time~

Until suddenly they are at risk of stopping their shine~

The light beams they glisten and we walk with ease~

Then suddenly blows an ungentle breeze~

Smacking with coldness~

Awaking our crown~

Reminding us quickly the miracles around~

The miracles we take for granted nearly everyday~

The blessings we should observe more closely along our way~

Our village will continue to shine~

Drawing together more closely~

The strength in the bind~

Healing~08/12/2012

Healing has nothing to do with closing up~

Healing is ripping it open and letting it flow~

Diminishing the toxins~

Pouring away the disease~

Healing is opening~

Opening the heart to the heavens~

Allowing the flow of the earth~

Unperfect Balance 09/24/2012

Being set into the middle of imperfect balance~

Jolted between mayhem and perfection~

The pretty people over there~

Shiny cars~

Sparkling houses~

Perfect makeup~

Well pressed blouses~

Outwardly awkward~

Rust and dents~

Missing shingles and needing a fence~

Befuddled hair no makeup in sight~

Riddled with holes and dust of fright~

Oh how does one dance when filled with such confusion~

What is this life just an illusion~

One side the promised land~

The other just building castles on sand~

Teetering swiftly~

Not knowing which way~

The shining seems so tight ass~

I would rather play~

I really don’t care what those people say~

My heart it is good~

My head filled with light~

There is nothing so shiny as a soul filled with delight~

In the struggles and battles of ego You find~

Remove the You and complete bliss one will find~

Bleeding words~08/30/12

Dancing about in my head~

Moving swiftly~

Pushing~

Pulling~

Desiring escape~

Spinning about~

Release is the desire~

Each new breath drawing deep~

Nibbling new thoughts

Random Sproutings

Random Sproutings of my Spring mind~

Laying in the darkness listening to the breeze~

Watching the droplets flying from the trees~

Whipping about with great speed~

What will sprout from the Spring seed~

The beatings of winter have softened the land~

The beatings brought by an ungentle hand~

Filled to capacity with wetness of tears~

Flowing far behind the endless fears~

The coldness melting with ease~

Tossed by the sun and brisk breeze~

Feelings of love stoking the fun~

Brightening briskly with the warmth of sun~

Deep in the ground the winds slammed the seed~

Laying quietly just allowing the bleed~

Feeling the vibrations of sadness and pain~

Pulling deep to press strength against the struggles and pain~

With focus on light and warmth from above~

Filling the seed with unconditional love~

Pressing firmly with every bit of might~

So as not to lose strength during the flight~

Hope beams from the heat of the dance~

Feeling so ready to take the chance~

Wiggling wildly breaking through ground~

The winds always nearby to test~

Is there enough air deep inside that cold winter breast~

To break free and leave the rest~

Reaching with wonder~

Dancing about~

Painting sweet new color for all to see~

From deep in the darkness the beauty does grow~

You don’t learn great strength standing in a row~

Take a chance and catch the wind~

Spin and laugh and let go of where You have been~

Grow to capacity~

Bloom with delight~

You no longer are stuck in the winds of the night~